A couple of thoughts on the past couple of days
I’ve been caught up in a flex that has prevented me from seeing here, but thankfully today’s one of those days where all I want to do is talk! or in this case write…
I’ve come to see my life as a series of actions and their returning consequences, each click, each note, each action, all a series of events that I’m not sure how to react to, this might be a little hard to say and similar to the rest of the world but it is what its is.
I recently met S, a very funny and smart individual, we got introduced by a mutual friend Melvin, a fellow developer. I struggle to make simple conversations and somehow I don’t think S does the same, like a virus I think I’m corrupted by someone so clean that its like seeing your own fears but also lacking the power to run away from it, I think S feels the same LOL, although I’m not sure of this. I’m currently trying to sip back into my shell and rebuild my walls with S, but it seems the more i try to, the more i get entangled, this scares me a lot but also gives me hope that my heart may not be as dead as I want it to be.
I’m currently involved with a very fast tracked project, a friend, someone I’ve come to respect a lot, To me this project will either be the genesis of a time with them (the team) or further push me off as a pariah, I’m scared about this but I think after writing this, I will return to solve this with code, at the end I have to do what I’ve always done, TRY…
I’ve been introduced to Hans Zimmer courtesy of S and I’ve come to enjoy his Time piece, one he did for the movie Inception, if you know similar or better classical songs like that, here’s my email kaycodev@gmail.com.
I’ve been doing a bit of self harm recently and frankly its not in my will, somehow i sleep and wake up only to get a cut, occasionally doing more than an arm, as a shame, I now wear more long sleeved clothes, I’m currently trying to do a lot to stop, while death used to sound like it’d give me the peace I so needed, it doesn’t anymore.
I’m making little progress in my journey to becoming a better backend Engineer, maybe little progress but progress surely, I now do frontend development only as jobs or gigs, other than that all my time is spent learning NodeJS and the backend architecture. I can’t say its all roses but it gives me more fulfillment than the frontend ever did.
I almost lied this recently, I was asked by someone if i felt anything for them and well the answer was yes but that scared me a lot than made me calm, so I said the truth, I felt something but that wasn’t enough and frankly I didn’t want to hurt them so I’m not sure I was permitted to feel, lying has always been a fierce never do for me and I’m happy I didn’t.
I’ve recently supported more people, from folks close to me to random strangers, I’ve come to notice that making people happy makes me happy too, even better solving problems for people is the essence of my being, nothing else has made me happier.
I’m hoping I do more code things, avoid dying and try as much as I can to slowly define who I am.
Na Einai Kalyteros Anthropos Patera Soy
