The past I wish I’d forget…

On the past, On the present and more thoughts…

Photo by Keegan Houser on Unsplash

First, I do hope my anonymity still holds here and for the reason I have no idea why I have to write this at 5 in the morning and for what reasons now…

Growing up, we had an amazing home, Dad was the knight that always carried me and my siblings up and let us climb his body whenever he was home, He was and still is a truck driver. Mom was always around, she is one of the most amazing teachers I’ve met, I got a solid educational background due to her early lessons. A former nurse who had to abruptly retire due to child bearing and taking care of a family, A concept at her time and age (lol).

Simply say, we were happy until i grew older, and I noticed we weren’t as perfect as I had thought and truth was nobody was anyway. Somehow Dad had an eye for other women and alcohol and mom wasn’t always forgiving of this, And so the circle of chaos ensured.

One of the things my parents passed unto us was a fierce spirit of competition and a “you must make it work” spirit, They believed for me and my siblings that the answer was education and nothing else, so we had to learn to not just be intelligent but utterly smart enough to be at the top of the class at the end of the school term, Mom always loved the fact that she could accompany any of us to get the “Certificate of Excellence”, A certificate given to the student with the highest GPA in a class. For a 95% average or more, it meant a scholarship, I got a ton of those.

I always wanted to leave home and hated my Dad, maybe cos i blamed him for ruining our family, for not caring, for not once telling me how much he was proud of me even after I did everything to make him proud, I used to loathe him for all this but then I never couldn’t bring myself to say this.

So all I hoped for was just getting admitted to the University and when i finally did, I realized how alone I was as a student and a son. I’ve always wondered how i survived the first year in school and how I got into my second level, I’m quite sure I almost dropped out of the school in the second semester of the first year but somehow I’m here, a 200 level student.

I was 19 when I tried ending it, I don’t feel there was enough reasons for me to be in the world anymore, probably cos I couldn’t talk to anyone about the issues I had then, talking about them weren’t exactly encouraged but was seen as a sign of weakness, So there I was with lots of pills in my stomach and slit wrists. That wasn’t going to be last time although I do hope I don’t go that near bottom ever again

I struggle a lot with sleep and what I believe in, caught between agnostic cos what kind of sick God keeps the world like this even when he has the power to change it but then I’ve seen and still get amazed on how much I’ve been saved by people who have no obligation to even try, There has to be a God doing these things right? But then why doesn’t he make it better and maybe give me a React, React Native and Nodejs job so I don’t have to think about a lot of things that I think of currently. (lol, if you’re there, lord this will mean a lot to me).

I code, yeah I know… I write code cos frankly its one of the things I feel at peace doing, and I’m haunted by the fact I’d be hopeless, hungry and end up like my dad, So i code, cos I’m quite I don’t wish to be poor forever and yeah coding may not be a golden ticket but it is a lot to and for me, plus I do enjoy it a lot, get to build my own things for the dual reasons that they solve problems and I can build them, although I sometimes struggle with CSS but still end up taking extra hours to make sure it comes out more than okay…

Gotta stop, do want to lie down and count the days till I’d be able to take care of my mom quite well, its been a long 48 hours without sleep, just constantly clacking a keyboard and starring at a screen.

Do email me if you wanna add anything or contact me. And hey, what are your thoughts…

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